Learning to accept things

Yesterday and today have been emotionally draining more so than before the hospital. I find myself with no filter for the words that come flying out of my mouth and no regard for the pain I inflict with such words. I do go back and apologize, but the words have already been said. So I have to accept the fact that I have to adapt to this new way of life or I will be right back in the hospital. Then 
I say shit like that and I can feel my heart rate rise and instantly & I want to go on a angry blackout. 

I know that medicine helps only 50% and therapy the other remaining 50%, I just want instant gratification and I want to feel back to me right now. Fantasy? Reality? That is not realistic, I can't have instant gratification because this damn illness isn't curable and I can only do what I've learned, but the key is stopping for that brief second to think rationally about it. 

Once Lithium was introduced 2 weeks ago, I noticed that barrier was there, but now it's like it doesn't exist and then I have my crying spells, rapid cycling all over again, but to say it is downgraded would be fair. All I can do is try my damnedest to accept these new things and practices and let the rest go. 

I'm getting confused again in my mind (sign of rapid cycle BPD & ADHD) so if things are all over the place that's why. My hands also go numb due to neuropathway damage from meds I've taken over the years, so I can't write a lot like I use to. And that makes me sad......But hey, it's ok, because I bought me a St. Jude candle and I'm going to light it along with my Guardian Angel candle. St. Jude is to help me find myself and the Guardian Angel is to keep demons away from my family and any one who enters our home.