Seems like forever since I blogged, but o well, I've been busy, so I won't beat myself up to much for it.

So Nathan took some time off for his birthday and we got back in touch with each other, which you can lose sight of the important when life drives you nuts the way it had with me.

We enjoyed the company of some of our friends, good drink and food and now it went back to reality.

As far as me, I'm feeling about 75%. I go to my therapist on Friday (tomorrow) and then I see my doc again on 3/18.

The weekend

This weekend my parents took the kiddos for us. That has been nice. I actual got the house cleaned in under an hour yesterday. That hasn't happened since before the holidays. We had a few of our friends over last night to celebrate Nathan's birthday and that was the first time to be around anyone other than ourselves in quite come time. I also began to make an effort to exercise again. Yesterday I did 5 minutes of Piloxing (it's something I'm going to have to build up to) and I went on a 15 minute walk this morning.

I don't know if it's to early to know if Celexa working yet. I feel more groundeed each and every day. I know this illness has no cure, but the good days are the ones I look forward to and to have 2 good days back to back is priceless.

Here's to things looking up.

First Doc Visit

So yesterday was my 1st doctor's appointment since the hospital, and it did not go the way I expected it to go. I expected instant gratification with the 2 missing drugs I've been missing out of my cocktail. Instead he seemed completely unprepared to see me and even asked me if I went to the hospital. I was pissed! In the end I got a an anti-depressant which is one of the Rx missing from my cocktail, but I felt I was not listened to or paid attention to. I didn't even feel like he was all there himself. I just have to be patient and wait now another month until I see him again. I see my therapist next Friday though, so I intend to stand up for myself and express my concern over this matter.

"Sirens" (Official Music Video) - Pearl Jam

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too many emotions with song

Living Hell

The title says how the weekend was. I'm still only on 2 out 4-5 meds needed to make Rebecca a "nice/calm" person. I've been fighting aka yelling/screaming at everyone this weekend. It doesn't seem to matter that I know it's wrong, I just don't give a damn. I'm so tired of trying to be brave and strong for everyone but I just can't do it anymore. The "impending doom" feeling is looming every so close lately and I just feel so compelled to fall into it. But I know I can't and that brings me to ....

I called my pdoc this morning and told the person answering the phone everything that needed to be communicated in order for him to understand that I'm in a Living Hell. My pdoc (pdoc for 10 yrs) is off until Thursday. What you talking about Willis?   

So I asked for the pdoc that say me in the hospital ... she's out until tomorrow .... Our you fucking serious??????

By the end of the phone call, I was actually able to accomplish a phone call from my pdoc from his house to mine some time today along with an appointment scheduled for Thursday when he gets back in the office.

Moral of the story, I should've called last week, but was so damn confused (still am) and disoriented I didn't know which end was up.

So this weeekend has provided me with answer to give to a question Pascoe will ask me next week for our appointment (if I can hold off that long) ... Lithium needs to be increased or Abilify needs to be added. As well as an anti-depressant and Adderral for the ADHD. 

I'm flying off the handle again at the smallest things and there is no boundary for fantasy and reality. Having to draw the line manually is draining physically and mentally. I'm still very confused in my own house and get lost in my house. That's never happened before, but with this last relapse I had, that began to happen. 

I loose track of time, forget things I just said and there are little piles of stuff everywhere. I'll leave the room and start yelling upon return back into said room at the mess and Nathan reminds me it was me that did it. I just know that I'm ready to get out of this unfamiliar eerie zone and back to reality. I just hope I can get in touch with Pascoe tomorrow. 

Ugh.

Not to mention my stomach is so bloating because I literally can't sit down to even ...you know... so I think that is just what happens to me when I'm sick, but I would love for the pain to be gone. I was 180 when I left hospital, now I'm 190, but seriously it's my bloated stomach. I dare not touch any kind of carbonation beverage at this point.

Here's keeping my fingers crossed I can talk to my pdoc tomorrow and get some meds added to the cocktail for some sanity (for me & for Nathan)

Learning to accept things

Yesterday and today have been emotionally draining more so than before the hospital. I find myself with no filter for the words that come flying out of my mouth and no regard for the pain I inflict with such words. I do go back and apologize, but the words have already been said. So I have to accept the fact that I have to adapt to this new way of life or I will be right back in the hospital. Then 
I say shit like that and I can feel my heart rate rise and instantly & I want to go on a angry blackout. 

I know that medicine helps only 50% and therapy the other remaining 50%, I just want instant gratification and I want to feel back to me right now. Fantasy? Reality? That is not realistic, I can't have instant gratification because this damn illness isn't curable and I can only do what I've learned, but the key is stopping for that brief second to think rationally about it. 

Once Lithium was introduced 2 weeks ago, I noticed that barrier was there, but now it's like it doesn't exist and then I have my crying spells, rapid cycling all over again, but to say it is downgraded would be fair. All I can do is try my damnedest to accept these new things and practices and let the rest go. 

I'm getting confused again in my mind (sign of rapid cycle BPD & ADHD) so if things are all over the place that's why. My hands also go numb due to neuropathway damage from meds I've taken over the years, so I can't write a lot like I use to. And that makes me sad......But hey, it's ok, because I bought me a St. Jude candle and I'm going to light it along with my Guardian Angel candle. St. Jude is to help me find myself and the Guardian Angel is to keep demons away from my family and any one who enters our home.