Seems like forever since I blogged, but o well, I've been busy, so I won't beat myself up to much for it.

So Nathan took some time off for his birthday and we got back in touch with each other, which you can lose sight of the important when life drives you nuts the way it had with me.

We enjoyed the company of some of our friends, good drink and food and now it went back to reality.

As far as me, I'm feeling about 75%. I go to my therapist on Friday (tomorrow) and then I see my doc again on 3/18.

The weekend

This weekend my parents took the kiddos for us. That has been nice. I actual got the house cleaned in under an hour yesterday. That hasn't happened since before the holidays. We had a few of our friends over last night to celebrate Nathan's birthday and that was the first time to be around anyone other than ourselves in quite come time. I also began to make an effort to exercise again. Yesterday I did 5 minutes of Piloxing (it's something I'm going to have to build up to) and I went on a 15 minute walk this morning.

I don't know if it's to early to know if Celexa working yet. I feel more groundeed each and every day. I know this illness has no cure, but the good days are the ones I look forward to and to have 2 good days back to back is priceless.

Here's to things looking up.

First Doc Visit

So yesterday was my 1st doctor's appointment since the hospital, and it did not go the way I expected it to go. I expected instant gratification with the 2 missing drugs I've been missing out of my cocktail. Instead he seemed completely unprepared to see me and even asked me if I went to the hospital. I was pissed! In the end I got a an anti-depressant which is one of the Rx missing from my cocktail, but I felt I was not listened to or paid attention to. I didn't even feel like he was all there himself. I just have to be patient and wait now another month until I see him again. I see my therapist next Friday though, so I intend to stand up for myself and express my concern over this matter.

"Sirens" (Official Music Video) - Pearl Jam

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too many emotions with song

Living Hell

The title says how the weekend was. I'm still only on 2 out 4-5 meds needed to make Rebecca a "nice/calm" person. I've been fighting aka yelling/screaming at everyone this weekend. It doesn't seem to matter that I know it's wrong, I just don't give a damn. I'm so tired of trying to be brave and strong for everyone but I just can't do it anymore. The "impending doom" feeling is looming every so close lately and I just feel so compelled to fall into it. But I know I can't and that brings me to ....

I called my pdoc this morning and told the person answering the phone everything that needed to be communicated in order for him to understand that I'm in a Living Hell. My pdoc (pdoc for 10 yrs) is off until Thursday. What you talking about Willis?   

So I asked for the pdoc that say me in the hospital ... she's out until tomorrow .... Our you fucking serious??????

By the end of the phone call, I was actually able to accomplish a phone call from my pdoc from his house to mine some time today along with an appointment scheduled for Thursday when he gets back in the office.

Moral of the story, I should've called last week, but was so damn confused (still am) and disoriented I didn't know which end was up.

So this weeekend has provided me with answer to give to a question Pascoe will ask me next week for our appointment (if I can hold off that long) ... Lithium needs to be increased or Abilify needs to be added. As well as an anti-depressant and Adderral for the ADHD. 

I'm flying off the handle again at the smallest things and there is no boundary for fantasy and reality. Having to draw the line manually is draining physically and mentally. I'm still very confused in my own house and get lost in my house. That's never happened before, but with this last relapse I had, that began to happen. 

I loose track of time, forget things I just said and there are little piles of stuff everywhere. I'll leave the room and start yelling upon return back into said room at the mess and Nathan reminds me it was me that did it. I just know that I'm ready to get out of this unfamiliar eerie zone and back to reality. I just hope I can get in touch with Pascoe tomorrow. 

Ugh.

Not to mention my stomach is so bloating because I literally can't sit down to even ...you know... so I think that is just what happens to me when I'm sick, but I would love for the pain to be gone. I was 180 when I left hospital, now I'm 190, but seriously it's my bloated stomach. I dare not touch any kind of carbonation beverage at this point.

Here's keeping my fingers crossed I can talk to my pdoc tomorrow and get some meds added to the cocktail for some sanity (for me & for Nathan)

Learning to accept things

Yesterday and today have been emotionally draining more so than before the hospital. I find myself with no filter for the words that come flying out of my mouth and no regard for the pain I inflict with such words. I do go back and apologize, but the words have already been said. So I have to accept the fact that I have to adapt to this new way of life or I will be right back in the hospital. Then 
I say shit like that and I can feel my heart rate rise and instantly & I want to go on a angry blackout. 

I know that medicine helps only 50% and therapy the other remaining 50%, I just want instant gratification and I want to feel back to me right now. Fantasy? Reality? That is not realistic, I can't have instant gratification because this damn illness isn't curable and I can only do what I've learned, but the key is stopping for that brief second to think rationally about it. 

Once Lithium was introduced 2 weeks ago, I noticed that barrier was there, but now it's like it doesn't exist and then I have my crying spells, rapid cycling all over again, but to say it is downgraded would be fair. All I can do is try my damnedest to accept these new things and practices and let the rest go. 

I'm getting confused again in my mind (sign of rapid cycle BPD & ADHD) so if things are all over the place that's why. My hands also go numb due to neuropathway damage from meds I've taken over the years, so I can't write a lot like I use to. And that makes me sad......But hey, it's ok, because I bought me a St. Jude candle and I'm going to light it along with my Guardian Angel candle. St. Jude is to help me find myself and the Guardian Angel is to keep demons away from my family and any one who enters our home.

Cancer Horoscope 2/11/14

Chances are good that you've just resolved or completed something that was quite challenging, Cancer. This could bring about a feeling of gratitude that helps you to think more positively and focus on more positive expectations. It wouldn't be the worst idea to try to communicate this feeling to others; it's highly likely that doing so will improve your reputation, and maybe even your status. On another note, don't be too proud to ask for help; on a day like today, chances are good that others will be understanding and helpful as well.

I haven't exactly discharged, but will in the next 24 hrs I honestly hadn't time to think about how far I've come....  I will look to the positive though ........ And ponder ......... Admit to myself all I have done and how far I have come. I amazed the therapists and doctors there by leaving my breadcrumbs everywhere. I will allow myself unconditional worth. I will crave out 15-30 a night/day for me to care for me.


 

Already crying spells????

I woke up at 5 this morning to Nathan snoring away peacfully in my hear. Most of us can't stand that sound, but once your love is gone at night and you are only in the bed with silence, you do begin to miss that.
We began to talk a little about finances (ugh) and an order of boots I desperately was waiting on. The charge for the boots was not on the account and in essence I began to panic and go ballistic (at least on the inside).
Nathan had to run to get Jax diapers for today at Mother's Day Out, so I came to the computer too try and figure it out. Yea, I'm kinda still doing that.
Once Nathan got home, I went ballistic on the outside. It isn't about the fucking boots, it's what they represent to me. I feel I'm due those shoes because all of my shoes are tread bare and/or don't fit anymore since I had Jax. (Women's feet can grow 1/2-1 size during pregnancy and never return to the normal size)
Anyways, we were yelling and getting pissed and I just had to shut down and begin crying and realize that I can't do this on my own. (a favorite saying, not a very positive one) So I'm blogging/journaling, my #1 power tool to help me figure it out.
I just need to take a step back, do my helicopter view, look at the big picture, and figure out Fantasy? Reality? And most of all no more crying spells. Is that a realistic thin, I don't know. After all I am unwell with my Bipolar Disorder I, ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Seasonal Mood Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and so forth. I just really gotta find some good phrases of empowerment for times like these.

Monday

This weekend was awful, both kids were sick and running fevers and Nathan had to work and I was trying all weekend to get focused to clean the house .......Yea, that just didn't happen. I did manage to finish the taxes, find out we were broke, and take some clothes upstairs.....o and start the dishwasher. I also bathed, so those are big.....

Today I went to PHP, wanting a discharge and since Rosie is sick with what at the time was the flu (it's strep throat) my pregnant therapist sent me home to be with my sick baby. Jax is in Mother's Day Out, and seemed ok when he left, fingers crossed he doesn't have strep as well. The therapist told me I could discharge over the phone, which took a SHIT LOAD of stress off me. Whew!

So as I am driving back home, I feel the strong urge to exit at Rosehill, to see Momma. I hadn't seen my Momma since MLK Day. She didn't recognize me, lol. I told her I had lost weight. I guess she wasn't expecting such a drastic loss. (AKA-When I look in the mirror now I see my 15-16 year old self)

I am tired and relieved now. I'm relieved that I can begin my new journey in individual therapy and go back to Pascoe. My meds are not all balanced yet. I'm currently taking Clonidine .1mg (High blood pressure med that works to stop BP mania anxiety) and Lithium 300 mg (mood stabilizer, very low dose) I need something for my Depression and ADHD still. But that I know can now happen sooner than later due to me graduating to discharge and that feels Amazing!!!!!

I will miss my friends I've made in group, but thankfully this morning we all shared our info and hopefully can remain in constant contact and support for each other. They became a family to me and I will always remember their kind words and in some instances getting up and grabbing me a box of tissues. 

Now it's time for me to grab my own tissues, but to always remember that I can ask for help when I get so overwhelmed it makes me "Act a fool, up in here..." Yup, DMX, that is my theme song, well one of them. 

This is a VERY good song that I use as another them song. I'll end this blog entry with it.

Chaos Is Constant

I spoke with my therapist yesterday at the hospital. I'd not been back since Wed afternoon and no once called me to check in on me, and I was beginning to feel really alone like they don't care and so forth. 

Yesterday morning started off just like any other one around here, lots of commotion and loudness....That's one thing I've got to get control over again, all the noise ..... 

Anyways, it was a morning /afternoon of "Ahh Haa" moments. Nathan ended up having to really discipline Rosie (aka spanking), which made her scream and cry, and in turn Jax began to scream and cry and me well, it just came natural and I began screaming and crying (reminded me of Greg, Dan, Mom & Aunt Susie about the thrift store). 

I couldn't go outside because it was so cold out there, plus all my leggings, panties and socks have gone missing ....hmmmm...... Nathan has been helping me with the laundry and he came clean today stating he indeed put them in a drawer and ave Rosie panties he thought were mine. So nice thanks love, lol! 

Anyways, this morning I awoke to Jax and Rosie being sick. I had to run to Walgreen's right after Nathan got home, only to get to the check out and we had no money in the account. "What's you talking about Willis???" 

Yup, we'd been desperately trying to pay bills since Wed., and every time we try we'd be paged in to referee a fight between Rosie and Jax, or more less Jax being a daredevil (his first name is Nathan) walking around with the fireplace poker....... 

So I get back from Walgreen's and Nathan & I see a ginormous bill that auto paid that we had completely forgotten about!!! We've got it take care of, just weird mornings lately.

 Just reminds that change is always constant and hence so is this damn chaos.

 I must learn how to adapt to these changes and not let them freak me out.

Seether - The Gift /W Lyrics

I find myself feeling like this today with Nathan. I remember hearing this 1/29/2010 (discharge date of last Timberlawn stay) I felt so along, my parents and brother didn't come to see me, but Nathan did, and I thank him everyday for that. I just remind myself everything has reasons .........

Rage Against The Machine - Killing In The Name

I love this song and always have.

Lately I can really listen to the lyrics and it reminds me of me in a very angry manic which seems to me more times than not lately (5-6 episodes a day) (That's down from the 10 before the PHP)). Especially "Fuck you mother fucker, I won't do what you say, ...." the part of the song that explodes, yup, that's me .....

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

I fell in love with this song when it first came out. It reminded me of Nathan and I. Ironically it played the other night and reminded me that I'm in love with this man and I need to snap back to reality. Not that he would leave me, because he's honestly had several chances over the past 15 years, but has stayed. Back to reality of not hurting him anymore, to love him, in order to receive love. Damn baby, I love you.

Nap? What's That?

So around 12 today Nathan and I were talking, when the school called and said that release time would remain on time; however, after school activities will be cancelled due to the weather.

So we both make a decision to go ahead and get the kids before it gets worse, cause why, it's not going to get any better peps (6th sense says this last throughout the night, snow so compacted on roadways solid sheets of ice have formed as of 12 today. Nathan didn't even want to go over a bridge, and he's a daredevil in this shit lol) 

We are in the car and I call Pearson to inform them I would like to have Rose ready for me so I can just get her and instead of waiting 15 minutes for them to feel like calling her down, then asking me why she's leaving , and then on, & on & on BS, because after all we're in route to get Jax and then go get her. So I'm informing the office chick what is needed and.....BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bitch interrupts me and I just couldn't stop myself ....
*************************************************************************************
"We don't do what you are asking, we call them down once you are here." 

Ok, ok,  ....so to a normal/well/stable person ..... Those words and the way her voice said them aka sarcasm ... A stable person could've burshed it off, and I've been brushing and a fucking brushing for a fuckin too long, so my "unconscious mind (Yes, there is unconscious mind and that is entire whole blog in itself) said

"Ok, since you were so rude, and interrupted me, im really pissed right now. If you had taken the time to listen, it really was a helpful suggestion, but that's ok, you just don't get it.... And I hung up. 

Now, Nathan is with me and I told him how I felt (I'm still having ID issues with myself which makes it very difficult for me to still have the fantasy/reality barrier issue) (Whole Blog different blog) Not near as bad since Lithium 300 mg 2x's a day and Clonidine .1 mg 3 x's day have regulated in my blood stream, but I am also aware that Rome Wasn't Built In A Day aka,stop beating myself up and putting my brain thru more stress that isn't real. Breath Rebecca ..........

So after the kids, Jax lays down for a nap and Nathan laid down finally. I sat here still trying to get my wires uncrossed so that I could begin to focus. I took a Clonidine .1mg @ 12:45, hoping for the "Xanax" effect it has and I suppose it must have hit, b/c I woke up sitting here 30 min later.

So I laid on the couch, 1st time in a very very very long time, to rest while Rosie was watching Ghost Adventures .................

3:00 pm. ....Yawn, .....What the Hell has happened? I feel like ..... a little better, a little more rested (still got effects from sleep deprivation as well as everything else) ........... I suppose I need to put a nap back in my schedule, lol. I'll reconvene with myself about the naps after a couple of days to see if they are indeed needed.

"I'm Movin' On" - Rascal Flatts Official Music Video

Snow ......

Well, last night I didn't sleep but maybe 4 hours, which lately that is the norm. Or go 32+ hours without sleep and still feel like the energizer bunny. Anyways, before I went to bed, I couldn't help but shake the feeling from the day.

I had talked my way into going to PHP yesterday, which is huge, because honestly if Rebecca doesn't want to do it, Rebecca won't. But I made the effort to shower, groom, so forth so that I felt up to being out in public. Once arrived there I was confronted by the new therapist that filled in for a our pregnant therapist who had called in (just a recap)

So I was angry last night that I felt that my day was pointless that I was embarrassed when he interrupted me in the middle of process time and most of all he told me "No," yup, that was my calling card to leave. (We had all just gotten comfortable with our current therapist and e all were making progress. I can't speak for the others, but for me it was a highly uncomfortable tense situation. I began really thinking about it and I think Granddaddy was saying it was time for me to graduate up to individual therapy sessions and to be discharged.

I had planned all along to discharge on Friday, but this made it more evident it must happen. I felt lost and alone and guilty and beat my self up all for what .... for that "Ahh Haa"moment to hit .....

So with the snow as flit-try and discombobulated as it falls from the sky, I too must eventually reach the ground and find home .... Peace with me, and let this be day #1 for that.

Today I thought was going to be good. I got up, got ready, took my meds and noticed it didn't take me 5 minutes to refocus, only 3 minutes today, but Rome Wasn't Built in a day, so Rebecca can not heal over night and get the instant gratification she wants.

Did I seriously just start going off in 3rd person? OMG. Well, I am BPD Type I Hyperactive afterall.
On my way I find myself trying to "Flee the scene" and go back home, but I dug deep and asked for validation of my 6th sense and asked Granddady to help me get there ..... And bam! Just like that .... I'm on Jim Miller and I begin to laugh (my grandparent lived off Jim Miller in my childhood) as Sir Mix Alot - Baby's Got Back come on. LMFAO I was, because it was the beginning part of it, "Oh My God Becky, would you look at that butt..." I felt empowered once more by validation of my 6th sense I've known I've had for my entire life, so YAY! Rebecca can in, right?? Wrongo ....

I get there, still didn't want to be there, but I made it, get inside, there were no lights on, it was a bad omen to begin with. Turns out we had a "sub" in therapist today because our normal therapist wan't there. Anyways, I was all "Ok, whateve's"

So....he introduces himself as "Bernie".... And I swear to God I turned around and low and mother fucking behold, he looks just like my Uncle Bernie (my Uncle Bernie was my Grandaddy's younger brother and died from a horrible accident 9/22/2013)

Well, it's time for "process" which is when we fill out a worksheet on how we feel, regarding last night our meds and so forth.....

Well, next time I ask for validation of my Grandaddy being there, I won't ask so hard because the following took place:

He couldn't hear us, so he had us repeat ourselves over and over and over again,
I got up to go smoke and he said "NO" and I said (to myself) Fuck You & left at 10:50 ...

I ended up leaving as a form of self soothing as our normal therapist allows this. I get home and automatically begin to feel: awful, guilty, horrible and then I'm all "Um, no you're not going to ruin your day with your sad, ugly, blue, angry thoughts.....So I sat down and began this blog today........