Changes

I wish that there were words to express  all emotions I feel when I remember where I live; a National Declared Diastee Area from the tornado 12.26.15.

Seems sometimes my feelings are like nothing ever happened.

Then there's these kind of days; melancholy...

Frustration

I'm beyond over fucking around withinsurance, public adjusyer, and our supposed contractor.
We received a tiny marble of a shit from our public adjuster vs State Farm.
Btw, #statefarminsurancecansuckhairydonkeyballs

Now the contractor wants more than 1/2 the settlement up front without itemization of what this amount is going toeards.
Monday, my husband contacted our contractor,  who told my husband he'd call him once he got back at the office @ 4.
No call..
Yesterday,  again, my husband called and left a vm.
Today, the same.
Our house is bleeding seriously from the roof ruined on 12/26, the origin storm. (EF4 tornado)
It's been raining/severe storms since end of Feb /early Mar.
It's leaking everywhere, upstairs. Stars, downstairs,  and garage. I'm including the interior ac unit & water heater closets.
I've noticed the the lower pitch on our roof in busting thru our lower elvation, but the front door.
We've got mildew smells from plumbing issues from wall movement. ...
I could continue batching and stay on this negative frequency,  but I'll end it now....switch to positivity and optimism.
It feels better.

Learning to let go of angry feelings

I've had some stuff happen the last year that has been tested my patience.

It makes me mad, blood red mad. 

But I've had to really focus on letting those grudges and angry towards situations and people. How? 

Breathing techniques, and yes recently, meditation.

It's so hard when we are so pissed and something or someone, it's drains us emotionally and physically.

If I learn how to trade those feeling into love, then I'd be set, but I'm still working on it. 

We are all works in progress.

Love thy self

I've been told recently that my suspions aka intuitions have been correct.

All I can say is once you realize the things that don't matter& who gives a damn who u really are...All there is, is love.

So love thy self (yes I'm at the beginning stages of it) so one can purley love another.

Just some memes I love

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out

I love this song and I love F&TM. Reminds me of a family matter going on at the moment. Today we went to get the truck and this was playing along with my brother's hat sitting in the passenger sit, like a message. Interesting.

Just an Update

Been some time now, huh?

Well, all was ok until I began to swell from my Lithium increase 2 weeks ago and I got off my Lithium. I called my doc Friday and no phone call back. Their office staff sucks and lately it seems like he never gets my messages. Anyways, I'm hanging in there, and plan to call him today for Topamax. I took it when I was a teen, can't really remember what effects it had on me, but will be on the look out for side effects.

On the other, kids and husband are good and I couldn't ask for a better family.

Bricks in the bedroom

I painted this January 2007. I've got a few spots drawn out. Just need to do it.

Dirt therapy

So I'm in the process of fixing up my flower beds. Dirt therapy is the best. Being unmedicated for ADHD sucks though. Thank God I go to the doc tomorrow.

Kids and Bullying

I am having a huge issue with our 10 yr old being bullied on the street we live on. She's been friends with these kids all of her live, and yet one outsider who comes in and takes control of everything now states that these kids can no longer play with my daughter. This infurates me and makes me sad. I look outside expecting to see her playing like always, yet all I see is a child with her head hung down and walking very slow and sad. I can't make it better and that is what is killing me. I've talked to the parents and nothing changes. I suppose to adapt to this other child's "rules" would make life easier and "go with the flow" that is if you want to play with Hitler. I'm not cool with that. Lately I just feel so helpless in this situation, especially since other parents don't want to take time to address the situation at hand. Thankfully this Hitler child isn't at her school, but next year when my daughter starts middles school at 6th grade, Hitler witll be in the 8th grade at that same school. And 2 of the boys that our on Hitler's team, whom were once my daughter's playmates since diapers. It's a pretty sucky world we live in when some parents don't give a damn.With that being said, I will continue to protect my baby girl as long as I can and teach her through motivation, inspiration, faith, hope and love that it will all work out in the end. That's all I can do.

All DMX - Party Up (Up In Here)

All this is what goes in my mind (except from the vulgarity) (all manics are different) when I feel my anger/rage red/black blackouts come on

American Authors - Best Day of My Life (Official Video)

Amazing encouraging song. Love it. Even my 10 year old daughter sees it encouraging. So proud of her for her strength and bravery.

The All-American Rejects Gives You Hell (lyrics) (HQ)

Love this song!!!!

American Authors - Best Day of My Life (Official Video)

Love this! Me & Rosie, one of our favorites

Sang this in high school choir, always have loved the words to this!

My Hell of a Morning .....

So my morning starts of as normal, wake, go downstairs quietly, trying to not wake the kids, get to the bottom stair and hear Jax "Mama? Mama! Mama!" And off it begins,

Go upstairs to get Jax, open Rosie's door to wake her, only to find her on her phone, but waking non the less. 

Go downstairs make Jax's breathing treatment, set him on the couch, turn on breathing treatment; Rosie calls to me from the kitchen"Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, something ride to school..."

So I realize I've not taken my meds, take meds, make coffee and ask her what she said again.

I don't remember the exact words but she was asking if I was taking her to school today. Which since the beginning of the year our next door neighbors offered to take her to and from and through out the year it's been a challenge (re-visit in a minute)

Anyways, Jax is sick and I didn't want to get him out again so I asked her to go next door and get a ride with them. I am also outside while she does this, smoking. I witness the door open slowly and slam back in her face, at which point she turns and walk off and I blew a gasket.

 I BAM BAM BAM on the door, and was greeted with the neighbor's son, and our friend's son (I'm not using names on purpose (These 2 have given Rosie shit since the beginning of the year calling her fat, slow, ugly and so forth and it's just gotten worse and worse)) and I ask "Where's your mother?" Neighbor's son replies "In the back," which I begin walking back to where she was and she walks out. 

I asked if Rosie could have a ride and also informed her that the boys have been vulgarly harassing Rosie with some sexual comments as well. Our friend's son shouts out "I've not said anything sexual." I leave it alone, because I was talking with my neighbor; but, as I turn to leave, our friend's son states"That's right, get the Hell outta here." And I turn and got chest to chest with him and said "What did you say?" Friend's son "You're not my mother, get the Hell outta my Mother Fucking Face Bitch." Ok keep in mind he's 11, in the 5th, about 4'8 and roughly 55 lbs. I get red/black hostile like homicidal fucking livid and I said hastily "I've been more of a mother to you than you own mother has been to you (I know it crossed the line, but the truth hurts and it is not a position I took voluntarily) and your father would agree," and I stormed out to find Rosie leaving in that shit storm. I came in and immediately call Nathan who tells me to call said father of this child, which I do, and I got hung up on. Nice.

The rest of the day I've just been trying my best to not feel horrible for this morning, because in hind sight, I did nothing wrong, but well, yea, well nothing. I know that our friend aka father of child won't do anything, he never does. Hell, 2 weeks ago this child disrespected Nathan in own our front yard, which Nathan immediately went to our friend and informed him.

This child next day told Rosie he can do whatever he wants because his dad doesn't care and he doesn't get in trouble. 

It just fucking kills me today that these kids get no discipline action. I'm not saying I'm perfect at parenting, but when a spanking is in order with a belt, do it!!!!! Also teach our kids to respect their elders the way we were. Hell if paddling were still around in middle schools for a punishment, I beat this shit would at least decrease, maybe.

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

So, I've not blogged like I had been. Probably because the Celexa is taking effect, which is ok, just hate that part of me dies when medicated. I suppose that's why Bipolar patients tend to get off their medications.

I go to therapy again on Friday. I really like my therapist. I had been dreading it (going to therapy) I hate talking about all the bottled up shit, but it must be done to make me better and begin to heal.

I see Pascoe again on the 18th, and at that point, again I will ask for medication for my ADHD.

So in a nutshell, I'm getting better, but still not quite there yet.

I know that it will always be a work in progress, I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

"Rome wasn't built in a day"

Seems like forever since I blogged, but o well, I've been busy, so I won't beat myself up to much for it.

So Nathan took some time off for his birthday and we got back in touch with each other, which you can lose sight of the important when life drives you nuts the way it had with me.

We enjoyed the company of some of our friends, good drink and food and now it went back to reality.

As far as me, I'm feeling about 75%. I go to my therapist on Friday (tomorrow) and then I see my doc again on 3/18.

The weekend

This weekend my parents took the kiddos for us. That has been nice. I actual got the house cleaned in under an hour yesterday. That hasn't happened since before the holidays. We had a few of our friends over last night to celebrate Nathan's birthday and that was the first time to be around anyone other than ourselves in quite come time. I also began to make an effort to exercise again. Yesterday I did 5 minutes of Piloxing (it's something I'm going to have to build up to) and I went on a 15 minute walk this morning.

I don't know if it's to early to know if Celexa working yet. I feel more groundeed each and every day. I know this illness has no cure, but the good days are the ones I look forward to and to have 2 good days back to back is priceless.

Here's to things looking up.

First Doc Visit

So yesterday was my 1st doctor's appointment since the hospital, and it did not go the way I expected it to go. I expected instant gratification with the 2 missing drugs I've been missing out of my cocktail. Instead he seemed completely unprepared to see me and even asked me if I went to the hospital. I was pissed! In the end I got a an anti-depressant which is one of the Rx missing from my cocktail, but I felt I was not listened to or paid attention to. I didn't even feel like he was all there himself. I just have to be patient and wait now another month until I see him again. I see my therapist next Friday though, so I intend to stand up for myself and express my concern over this matter.